My lost life

I  wish I could tell you that managing to get my wheelchair out of the house and into the spring u sunshine filled me with joy it it didn’t . My sister  my carer and gareth all dragged and  manoeuvred me down the ramp and across the road so that I could feel warm sun on my face and see the lovely blossom on the tree. And yes it was good to feel the warmth of the sun but it  also painfully reminded me lof past springs when I strolled in the park with Scrappy or went shopping  for new clothes , things I will never do again. No, I will never again paddle in the sea,  or eat a huge ham and pineapple Pitza which was my Saturday night treat , jump into my car and switch on the CD player as I  drove off down the road. So when I got I inside I just couldn’t stop crying despite my sisters best effortss to console me .

Sometimes the pain of living in this disabled state really does feel too much to bear.

however a visit from  an olld friend from Cheshunt school gave me a few good laughs at some of the madness there and the fun we also had. and for a short while I was transported back to my healthy life. I d also received an e mail from an ex pupil from Cheshunt and three more messages from ex pupils following my blog.

but I wish with all my heart I didn’t have to die.

9 thoughts on “My lost life

  1. Dear Lindy
    Met you once in Shrewsbury with Gareth.Still remember the occasion very well.
    Following your blog and thinking of you.
    Love to you(and my friend Gareth)
    Rudi x

    • Thank you its much appreciated! rememer our meeting a lovely suprise a good chat

  2. You have no idea how much good you are doing. Your book was an inspiration. For each and every one of us, young or old, healthy or sick, this could be our last spring. King Solomon wisely said that time and unforeseen occurrence befall us all. You’ve given me a new insight into my own world and taught me to appreciate each blessing I have. You’ve also helped my family and me to know better how to help a dear family friend who recently had his peg fitted and found it hard. His wife is struggling and needs support too of course. Please be assured that there are answers to questions such as why do we die, is there any hope for the dead, does God care? The time is coming, and it will be soon, when death will be no more. Revelation chapter 21 verse 4. Please feel free to reply to this, even if it’s just to shout at me! By the way, I was also head of English. Much love, Lynne x

  3. Life is very hard for you, Lindy. I wish you peace, and the strength to endure your suffering. I am touched by the love shown to you by people in your life and other replies to this blog.

  4. Lynne, wouldn’t the world be a bit overpopulated if there were no more death?
    Think of the immortality as described by Swift in Gulliver’s Travels. Not a great recommendation. My father in law, at 91 is often worrying that he has out-stayed his welcome and outlived his usefulness.. My mother also endures the suffering of old age. Remember what Helen Burns said (and I believe you know this novel very well, Lindy) – something like, by dying now I avoid greater suffering later on. She was only a teenager.

    Lindy, at least you have a literary legacy.
    You have 2 sons and a long marriage.
    You’ve done a lot of good in the world, educating the young.
    You’ve had a lot of fun in life.

    Would you have preferred to die suddenly and not know this period of decline and invevitability? If that had been the case, you would not have written your book. But you would also have been spared present suffering.

    As J M Keynes said, – In the long run we are all dead.

  5. Hi Lindy

    It was really lovely to see you on Saturday. Hope to see you again soon. very happy to come up after work and learn how to lift you from your chair to wheelchair & back again so that you’re comfortable and can get out of the house. equally i can understand why that breaks your heart in reminding you what you used be able to do. just let us know.

    wish i could find something comforting to say. all of what’s happening is just so not fair, i can’t begin to imagine how frightened or angry you are – and why wouldn’t you be?

    big hug xxx

  6. Hi Lindy. I follow your blog and keep thinking if the last time we were all together back at college on that reunion day- with no hint of things to come. I wish you could be transported back to that day, laughing and joking like you always did. I see your nephew is running in the marathon tomorrow. Brighton is full of people and excitement and all the route preparations are now in place. I made a donation. You have done a lot of good already with your book and I know it has given support to others in a similar position. Hopefully the money raised will help in some way. All my love to you lovely Lindy xxxxx
    Sue xxxx

  7. Hi Lindy.
    My family and friends and I talk about you a lot. You are truly an inspiration around this country. And I don’t mean in a saintly way, but in a witty and brilliant way. I guess at the moment in a way which none of us wish to contemplate.
    Because of you so many of us (really, you may have no idea how far your story and your writing has affected people) talk `about you and how awful your situation is. I think about you a great deal.
    Reading your book a year ago changed my life, and made me realise how lucky we all are. I would wish with all my heart – and I have cried over so many of your comments – that you might have a normal day with Scrappy and that pizza. Alice xx

  8. Dear Lindy, please don’t worry about dying, most deaths even from MND are peaceful and you’ll probably just drift away quietly with no suffering. My husband had the same rotten illness and we worried ourselves silly about ‘The End’ which was a complete and utter waste of time. Nothing can make up that lost time. Won’t say any more because it all sounds so trite but my thoughts are with you.