The cruellest month

April has brought sleepless nights and total terror and desperation. Each night I have been waking with my heart racing and a dreadful feeling of breathlessness despite the Bipap and being propped up in my hospital bed and with an overwhelming need to get out of bed and sit up which of course I am unable to do by myself so I have to make moaning noises and hope gateth can hear me which he generally does.

Then the performance of getting me positioned correctly in bed starts again and you can imagine the strain of doing this 3 x a night has made us both ragged with tiredness and so I spent several nights sleeping on my chair.  however wearing my collar all night is hard and I never realised how heavy a head is- a stone apparently- until I had no neck muscles left. I am unable to lift my head myself and the pressure on my chin is unbearable at times. But my nurse who visits weekly has taken things in hand adjusting settings on Bipap suggesting stronger sleeping stuff and of course my family friends and carers have tried their best with my constant crying about living.

In this nightmare world, Today I remembered how on a Satueday we d go to the cinema about 4 walk down to the Tollgate in Turnpike Lane have a few drinks And then eat I liked lasagne or sausage and mash

Oh what I would give for one of those days again so ordinary at the time but so amazing and wonderful when I look back from where I am now. What was the last meal I ate? I wish I had known as then I would have savoured every Delicious mouthful and not worries about getting fat. This week I dreamt about eating toast Nd marmite oh how I crave food. So all of you out there remember to enjoy every sandwich as Warren Zevron once said.