How I live now

I live now in a constant state of terror. Two weeks ago I fell over trying to use the remote control and spent two agonising hours propped up against the bookcase waiting for g to come home and even then with my weak legs it was a terrible struggle to stand upright. Getting up from the chair that I spend most of my life in now gets harder every week and as I sit here alone in the house I find myself imaging falling face down on the floor when I try and get up and answer the door to my carer. Scrappy was certainly no use when I fell he did not display Lassie like skills  like trying to pulll me upright or summoning help he merely lay on the sofa looking scared!  Fear of falling is mixed in with fear of my legs giving way ccompletely and having to be permanently in a wheelchair with all the problems that will cause in our small house.  And then of course there is my beloved one remaining finger that I type with that I know will inevitably go the way of the others and them eyegaze will be my only means of communication.

LAst week whilst attempting a family bonding trip to see some physical theatre the trauma of getting me in and of a  black cab was almost too mucha to bare and we all ended up very distressed  as I squirmed and squawked  in the back trying to get into an upright position so. I could breathe .

Soon,  I know I’ll need a full time carer and yet still sometimes I wake up and  imagine that this nightmare has ended and I ll have metamorphosed back into my energetic healthy fomer self.